On brokenness and gifts

I finally understand what brokenness is. Brokenness is having no plan B, having no way out, realizing the limits of your humanity, being down and out, giving up on your own ability and strength. It sounds nasty, but it’s a great blessing, because, guess what…that’s the only time God gets to fully work and show His strength, and it is amazingly mind blowing!

I’ve written about small faith and little faith before (or haven’t I?) In summary, small faith is complete and whole faith, but it is small in size (which God approves of…small as a mustard seed), while little faith is insufficient and inadequate; it’s having plan B’s, believing in God halfway or quarter-way (very displeasing to God).

Brokenness has no room for little faith. It breeds complete faith because when you realize your own strength is sorely inadequate, you turn to The Powerful One, and He is only so pleased to make His awesomeness known (and He is probably thinking, what took you so long? I told you you were weak, duh!)

This is when you realize that God does freely give all things. If it’s peace you want, you only have to ask and you will receive. The reason why we don’t receive these things is because we don’t believe. Simple. When I was broken, I had no other choice but to believe that God is there and that He is the only one who can come through for me. My prayers became pleas. My requests were desperate because I simply had no.other.way.out. What’s amazing to me is that these truths always eluded me, as simple as they seem now.

It is amazing that I can get joy just by asking. Really? Is it just me or do we as humans feel that we have to work for everything? Do you feel like something is not worth receiving if it’s free; if you didn’t work for it?

The beauty of all the gifts God gives is that they are free; that’s why they are called gifts. Why have I been living such a hard life? Why have I been striving for things that God has already freely given? It hardly makes sense. Why would I seek to buy a car to make me happy (by avoiding unscrupulous bus conductors and jostling) when I could just ask God to give me joy and contentment? It’s so much easier! Like seriously, why are we struggling? If you need peace, you just ask God and He gives it to you, FOR FREE! Love, faith, self-control, etc etc.

I don’t even think the awesomeness of all this is really making any sense to you or if I am just rambling. If the sense of this eludes you, I charge you, just try it yourself. Just ask God for what you need. Then stand back and be amazed.

It may not come in the way you expect it, but just keep seeking Him and be amazed at how He works things out in even more perfect ways than we would ever anticipate or dream.


Jesus Take The Wheel

I got to a point where I realized I don’t know what is best for me. I have ideas, I have needs, desires, wants…but I don’t really understand what is best for me. I don’t have the benefit of foresight. I can’t see the entire picture played out, who I will be, what I will need to do in the future, what my purpose will be, what I will need to accomplish it.

I came to a point when I realized that I take matters into my own hands, as much as I claim to trust God and follow Him. It happened when I met another “non-starter” guy, those who come in your life and hang around for a bit but it doesn’t get anywhere. All I could think was, “I can’t believe this is still happening to me”, “another one bites the dust” and other similar sentiments.

I realized that as much as I may think a decision is right for me, like, for example, me and this guy have so much in common! or this is definitely the right career path for me!, it may still not be the best decision. I’m glad for the painful lessons coz they show me that I can’t depend on my logic. If I really want what’s best for me, I’ll ask God coz He knows best what’s best for me.

So, as another one bites the dust, I’m telling God that I don’t know anymore. I don’t have the answers. I don’t even know what I need. I want Him to tell me what I need. I want Him to tell me what to look for. I want Him to guide me coz He already knows how it will end. I may end up kicking and screaming and fighting but I’m thinking, if the end result is that the decision was what’s best for me, maybe it’s worth the hassle and resistance and drama it will take to get me there coz in the end I’ll be praising Him for guiding me to the best destination there is.

So, Jesus take the wheel.

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I’m on
Jesus, take the wheel

~ Carrie Underwood


Trust In Me Now

This is one of those times I don’t really know what to write about. Most off it’s either really personal or really controversial or both.  OK, I guess I’ll go with controversial.

Ever been mad at God? I mean mad, angry, enraged, frustrated and all that comes with it.

Well I have been and I realised I still am. Shocking and appalling confession from a so-called friend of God huh?

I know I have absolutely no right to be. I was angry at God once and it took me nearly five years to realise it and to deal with it. I know. So why am I angry with him, you may ask? Well, I guess it’s just the usual whiney-human things..stuff didn’t go my way, I feel like he’s forgotten me, maybe he is punishing me, he is not keeping his promises (or so I think), etc. I can’t really say what it is coz if I do we’ll move from controversial to personal (familiarity breeds contempt).

A part of me is angry (I’m really trying to deal with this) but a part of me knows there is nothing to be gained through anger. First, I have no right to be angry. He is God, what do I know of stars and earth creation? What do I know of life and death and heaven? What do I know of omniscience and sovereignty? Really….nothing.

Another part of me is fearful because God is not a person. I can’t exchange words with Him. I can’t WIN this. I don’t even understand this, leave alone half the stuff that happens in this world. It’s like going to a test that you just found out about a minute ago, meaning you haven’t studied for it, meaning you are definitely going to fail.

So I know I can’t succeed in anger. I can’t understand but I must submit. So far….not going so well. It’s hard to submit to something you don’t understand…yet it’s the only thing you CAN do. When you don’t understand, but you trust, all you need to do is surrender because He knows better, and He spares you the task of understanding and the burden of unravelling all the mystery. He just does it for you.

It’s like in my job, someone calls me with a computer issue and I sort it out for them. They don’t need to know the nitty-gritty, their only concern is that it now works.

I am always surprised at how answers come to me after I write. Trust me, I didn’t know I was going to write this and unravel this huge knot that’s been in my heart for a while now. Wow 🙂

I guess then, it’s a question of trust. Do I trust Him enough to let it go and let Him handle it in His own perfect way and timing? Do I trust Him enough to surrender and believe He knows what He is doing (which He does)? Do I believe enough to be patient even when I can’t see any results? Do I trust Him enough to not need to understand when He says no for no apparent reason?

Do I trust?

I can see what you can’t see
I will hold you close to me
Through the storm until you see the light

And even if you feel alone
And even if your strength is gone
As your weary heart just tries to hold on
Even if your faith is lost
Even if its hard to trust
In a Lord, that would let the rain fall down
Trust in me now

~ Cadia


The Stand

Today for once I get to take a breather. Life has been so busy that I have even abandoned (very painfully) my love of writing, learning to play guitar, watching movies, listening to music…yaani the things we sacrifice to make a living!

I can’t complain, my life has been good, I’m surrounded by beauty and love that I know I don’t deserve it which makes it all the more beautiful. But, as humans, we get ungrateful, we complain, we always want things to go our way.

A dear friend told me yesterday that humans are so weird, we expect everything to be about us. When something bad happens, we get so mad  at God like it was even about us. God had a plan, a greater scheme than we could see. Maybe he caused a natural disaster to happen because there is a bunch of 100 atheists somewhere that He wants to reach and show that there is a God who causes earthquakes and hurricanes and that they had best believe it! Or whatever His purpose is that we can’t decipher as humans.

But no, we go around saying how God has deserted us, how mean He is, how he….(insert whatever statement you have used before here). IT’S NOT ABOUT US!


Today when I woke up (after sleeping in 🙂 ), it hit me so clearly. All the things I have held against God that He hasn’t done for me, all the pain and bitterness I have had because I feel He didn’t come through for me, I let it all go. It was worse than hard, I’m still reeling from it and wondering if I’ll be able to go through with it…but I just let it go.

He can heal me, but he doesn’t owe it to me. He doesn’t HAVE TO.

He can bless me but he doesn’t owe it to me. He doesn’t HAVE TO.

He doesn’t have to do anything for me. He chooses to. It’s an honor and a privilege when He does. And when He doesn’t, so what? I didn’t have a right to it anyway. I didn’t deserve it anyway. It was a favor.

So this was the big realization I had today. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. I am honored and favored when He does great things for me, which He always does. And when He doesn’t it’s just life as usual. I’ll just focus on the ones He has done which are already to many to count. In fact, if I focused on that I would never notice something that He hasn’t done would I? Maybe, there isn’t anything He hasn’t done, it’s just my human nature getting in the way!


Clearly I have much to unravel with this one.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

– Hillsong United


The Kind

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (Hebrews 12:1)

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. (Matthew 5:29-30)

I heard this song by Flyleaf that really got me thinking about sin. The song is so cryptic in itself, I’m not even sure I know what it really means, but in my interpretation I know it talks about being bound by sin and feeling so guilty that you can’t get out of it.

As Christians we always think since we have been saved by grace and since the old has gone and the new has come, we can’t be overcome by bad habits and wrong things. I used to think that but boy, how wrong I was. I learned the hard way that I wasn’t above failure and I was flesh and blood despite being saved and a Christian.

In a sense, it’s prideful to think that we are above sin. As we all know, pride comes before a fall. I used to think I couldn’t fall. Of course I could commit the small sins (it always amuses me the way we as humans categorize sin 🙂 ) but I wouldn’t fall into the “bigger” sins. In the end, I was humbled. The realization that my flesh was weak was truly humbling and promptly threw me off the pedestal on which I used to look down on others. The judging flew out the window as I realised I was no better than anyone else.

I guess God uses the wrong things we do for our good in the end. Isn’t he amazing?

So don’t despair. Wherever you are right now, whatever you are going through, realise that you can’t do it alone. You are not perfect. Nothing is perfect in this world. Even fruits. You can’t find a fruit without a flaw (uh…yeah. I usually check. Don’t judge me) Sometimes it has blemishes, sometimes it has a bruise, sometimes it’s a little disfigures. sometimes it’s the seeds within it that are flawed….just like humans. And God loves us anyway.
God is the only one who saves us from our situations. Call on Him and He will answer.

Just realise you can’t do it alone and surrender. It’s such a relief.

And she is feeding you and you lie with her
And for the first time your right arm becomes useful
As you sin with it you wanna cut it off
But instead you thank God for all of the wrong you do

You cut the cord today with God’s hand to hold yours steady
He waits for you to apply the pressure, the warmth of His breath
Wrapped in His words as He repeats His truth, after truth
After truth, after truth, after truth, after truth, after truth, after truth, after…

And it’s just the kind, the kind you talked about
And it’s just the kind that clothes your mind with Christ
He is feeding you and you know the truth
And I pray this is the last song I will sing to you