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On brokenness and gifts

I finally understand what brokenness is. Brokenness is having no plan B, having no way out, realizing the limits of your humanity, being down and out, giving up on your own ability and strength. It sounds nasty, but it’s a great blessing, because, guess what…that’s the only time God gets to fully work and show His strength, and it is amazingly mind blowing!

I’ve written about small faith and little faith before (or haven’t I?) In summary, small faith is complete and whole faith, but it is small in size (which God approves of…small as a mustard seed), while little faith is insufficient and inadequate; it’s having plan B’s, believing in God halfway or quarter-way (very displeasing to God).

Brokenness has no room for little faith. It breeds complete faith because when you realize your own strength is sorely inadequate, you turn to The Powerful One, and He is only so pleased to make His awesomeness known (and He is probably thinking, what took you so long? I told you you were weak, duh!)

This is when you realize that God does freely give all things. If it’s peace you want, you only have to ask and you will receive. The reason why we don’t receive these things is because we don’t believe. Simple. When I was broken, I had no other choice but to believe that God is there and that He is the only one who can come through for me. My prayers became pleas. My requests were desperate because I simply had no.other.way.out. What’s amazing to me is that these truths always eluded me, as simple as they seem now.

It is amazing that I can get joy just by asking. Really? Is it just me or do we as humans feel that we have to work for everything? Do you feel like something is not worth receiving if it’s free; if you didn’t work for it?

The beauty of all the gifts God gives is that they are free; that’s why they are called gifts. Why have I been living such a hard life? Why have I been striving for things that God has already freely given? It hardly makes sense. Why would I seek to buy a car to make me happy (by avoiding unscrupulous bus conductors and jostling) when I could just ask God to give me joy and contentment? It’s so much easier! Like seriously, why are we struggling? If you need peace, you just ask God and He gives it to you, FOR FREE! Love, faith, self-control, etc etc.

I don’t even think the awesomeness of all this is really making any sense to you or if I am just rambling. If the sense of this eludes you, I charge you, just try it yourself. Just ask God for what you need. Then stand back and be amazed.

It may not come in the way you expect it, but just keep seeking Him and be amazed at how He works things out in even more perfect ways than we would ever anticipate or dream.

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My birthday comes once a year

Today is my birthday and I am turning sixteen. Wow, I have soooo waited to be sweet sixteen. Yeah right, but I love this age that I have turned (a prize for the person who guesses it correctly). I feel it is a coming of age somehow (trust me to over-analyze everything).

I’ve been so full of joy today and I hope it lasts even as I go to meet my friends for a plan that has an element of surprise in it. I love surprises so I try not to burst the bubble for myself. I am usually so easy and just take the back seat and even close my ears willingly…lol.

Oh yeah, the boring part where I list what I want for this year…but I don’t really want to. It has a lot to do with God, favor, career and a man. Boring same old stuff 🙂

I wonder if there will come a day when I will dread my birthday because it will mean one more tooth is going to fall out of my already almost-toothless mouth, or ten more gray hairs, or increased gravitational pull on my body parts? Iwould love it if I always looked forward to my birthday and appreciated every milestone. Sigh…

I plan to enjoy this day to the fullest…and today, or sometime this weekend, I shall thoroughly spoil myself. I don’t do that often enough.

So this birthday, I am celebrating me…all the good stuff, the not-so-good stuff, the beauty, the life, the kinky hair, the stillness in me when all else around me is going crazy, my fetish for shoes and under—uh…underground trains, my love of nature, my over-analysis, my discovered and undiscovered talents, my annoying habits (that I am working on), my ability to listen even to the words that are unspoken, etc etc…if I go on I’ll bore you. But I celebrate me.

Happy Birthday to me!

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Only You Make Me Happy – Krystal Meyers

Funny how when others are happy and you’re suffering you tend to be so bitter. The converse is also true; when others are sad and you’re happy you tend to be very positive and not want anyone raining on your parade. You wish they would stop whining. You wish they could see the beauty and life around them.

That’s true of myself. Yeah, hypocritical, I know.

It’s not common for me to be happy. So I relish and wallow in it whenever I get the opportunity.

Lately I have been feeling the world caving in around me. Despite it all, today I woke up okay. Now I’m actually bordering on happy, partly because I finally got paid for my extreme efforts (a paltry sum, but try being in want and you will appreciate everything little you get) and partly because I kind of got tired of being miserable.

So anyway, my point is, a lot of things are wrong in my life right now. I’m not where I want to be, I’m not with who I want to be with, I’m not doing what I feel I want to be doing, and I am not at the place I thought I would be at at this age, at this time in my life.

But somehow God has given me joy and peace today. And I really hope I haven’t spoken too soon coz last time I was happy my day descended into a phenomenal suck-fest towards the end.

All in all, thank you God for blessings and simple pleasures.

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Only You make me happy
Only You make me happy
Everything will change
But You remain the same
Only You make me happy

– Krystal Meyers