Wednesday Wallowings :(

I just saw this part in WordPress about my blog storage that says ‘you have used 3.7MB of 3072MB’. So I’m wondering, when I use it all up, what happens? Do I have to go through all my old posts and delete the ones I think are worth deleting? Kinda like when my mailbox or SMS inbox is full and I have to go through it and decide what to delete and what to keep and it’s all so exhausting coz it takes me AGES to decide and usually I just end up emptying the whole mailbox to spare me the excruciating decision. (I know, drama is me).

Today I had one of those mornings where one thing triggered a whole lot of things and memories, mostly bad ones, and I was left with the bitter taste of regret. What if I had done something differently? What if, what if, endless what ifs. I have always thought regret is the worst of all the emotions in the human sphere, with guilt a close second. The problem with these two emotions is that they have a lot to do with the past, which, as we know, we can’t change. It’s out of my control, and that’s why I find those two emotions so bitter.

So as I wallowed in the miasma (thanks Kijana Wamalwa for that phrase) of these emotions, I kept asking God why why why? Why did this have to happen? And God kept saying let it go, let it go. And so of course stubborn old me couldn’t let it go. So I was asking Him then what do I do with the regret? I can’t change what happened, I can’t go back, but I still have the regret. And so it was then so clear to me that I was living in the past. I am walking backwards, not looking where I am going coz I am so fixated on the past.

He was telling me that I can’t live my life in the past. I have to walk on, move forward, look ahead. I have to fix my eyes on the prize. I have to fix my eyes upon Him:

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ~ Hebrews 12:2

Jesus endured the shame and scorn of the cross because He was focused on the prize…to sit at the right hand of His father. The beauty of His future was enough to spur Him on to endure the ugliness of death. So I think this is what God was trying to tell me, that I have a beautiful future that He has fashioned for me. The hope this brings me is enough to help me make it through the regret and guilt and all those ugly feelings.

So if you’ve been where I’ve been, or are there right now, remember Hebrews 12:2. Fix your eyes.

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