I am in what you would call a “transition phase”. It’s a place in-between, in between careers (so to speak), in between churches, in between beliefs, in between my old life and what I hope will be my new life. It’s a place that is uncertain, at a crossroads, not sure which one to take…but in this case there are like crossroads for every aspect of my life, so technically, there are like a criss-cross of 10 or more roads. OK am getting carried away…but you get the picture. Or not.
It’s a very hard place to be, considering I love certainty and absolutes and directness. Vagueness is so exhausting. So everything is vague and grey right now. There is also pressure on myself, mostly from myself. Because if I make the wrong turn or take the wrong road I’ll only have myself to blame. I forgot how to discern and listen to that still small voice. Maybe my mental debates are too loud and they are drowning it out. So much so that it feels like I am going it alone.
Life is too much to do alone. That’s why I say it’s a scary place.
However, it’s also an exciting place…exciting because everything I have known, been and believed in is being put to the test. In the grand scheme of things, maybe this is God’s plan. That everything I am may be tested and that which does not withstand the test will fall away; what will be left will be the foundation for what I will become.
Maybe I’m being fanciful, but I’ve always wanted to be more. I’ve always known I could be more. How to get there was the problem…but now coz it’s kind of happened without much work on my part, maybe I get the chance to be all I can be.
I’m doing a course called Renewing Self, which is a course for women, which focuses on the soul of a woman, that is, her mind, emotions and will. It’s a long story, which you can read here and it’s the perfect time to do it. I want to discover who I am beneath all the layers and labels that I’ve put on myself and society has put on me.
I don’t know if this self-discovery process will ever end (does it ever?) or how long it will take or what tears and sweat I’ll have to produce to get there…but I sure hope it will all be worth it.
She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be
And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be