This is one of those times I don’t really know what to write about. Most off it’s either really personal or really controversial or both. OK, I guess I’ll go with controversial.
Ever been mad at God? I mean mad, angry, enraged, frustrated and all that comes with it.
Well I have been and I realised I still am. Shocking and appalling confession from a so-called friend of God huh?
I know I have absolutely no right to be. I was angry at God once and it took me nearly five years to realise it and to deal with it. I know. So why am I angry with him, you may ask? Well, I guess it’s just the usual whiney-human things..stuff didn’t go my way, I feel like he’s forgotten me, maybe he is punishing me, he is not keeping his promises (or so I think), etc. I can’t really say what it is coz if I do we’ll move from controversial to personal (familiarity breeds contempt).
A part of me is angry (I’m really trying to deal with this) but a part of me knows there is nothing to be gained through anger. First, I have no right to be angry. He is God, what do I know of stars and earth creation? What do I know of life and death and heaven? What do I know of omniscience and sovereignty? Really….nothing.
Another part of me is fearful because God is not a person. I can’t exchange words with Him. I can’t WIN this. I don’t even understand this, leave alone half the stuff that happens in this world. It’s like going to a test that you just found out about a minute ago, meaning you haven’t studied for it, meaning you are definitely going to fail.
So I know I can’t succeed in anger. I can’t understand but I must submit. So far….not going so well. It’s hard to submit to something you don’t understand…yet it’s the only thing you CAN do. When you don’t understand, but you trust, all you need to do is surrender because He knows better, and He spares you the task of understanding and the burden of unravelling all the mystery. He just does it for you.
It’s like in my job, someone calls me with a computer issue and I sort it out for them. They don’t need to know the nitty-gritty, their only concern is that it now works.
I am always surprised at how answers come to me after I write. Trust me, I didn’t know I was going to write this and unravel this huge knot that’s been in my heart for a while now. Wow 🙂
I guess then, it’s a question of trust. Do I trust Him enough to let it go and let Him handle it in His own perfect way and timing? Do I trust Him enough to surrender and believe He knows what He is doing (which He does)? Do I believe enough to be patient even when I can’t see any results? Do I trust Him enough to not need to understand when He says no for no apparent reason?
Do I trust?
I can see what you can’t see
I will hold you close to me
Through the storm until you see the light
And even if you feel alone
And even if your strength is gone
As your weary heart just tries to hold on
Even if your faith is lost
Even if its hard to trust
In a Lord, that would let the rain fall down
Trust in me now