I can be dramatic sometimes. My last post turned out to be unwarrated because I may have misinterpreted things but it’s still valid. My concerns and issues still remain, unfortunately.
And he hasn’t talked to me since…
Well if so, his loss. Whatever happens, life must go on.
I just discovered there is a song called Definitely Maybe by FM Static…like the movie, remember? But I digress.
Some time a few months ago I had an experience that I didn’t like and it left me kind of traumatized. I had gone for a retreat, a prayer retreat – anxious and expectant for a great encounter with God. And then an anti-climax – I did not really get what I wanted, or rather what I thought I wanted. I expected God to show me this amazing, wonderful thing and speak to me a precious word like I have been chosen for great exploits that only I can do, or I will change nations and the world is relying on me…or something (okay, am being a little dramatic here)
Basically I expected a special, unique word that was specifically for me.
But what I got instead was more like a rebuke, or a warning so to speak. Against the wrong people in my life. And I was hurt because I thought that was over, that I was done dealing witht he devil’s plots against me by sending the wrong people in my life to confuse and hurt me. And I didn’t expect that to be the highlight of my experience. So I was waiting for more. There was more, but I didn’t internalize it. I was too busy concentrating on these other things and kind of traumatized.
Anyway it has taken me quite a while to shift my focus from that to the other word that God had for me. It was pretty profound so I’ll blame it on that, not my being slow…hehe 🙂
God said to me:
You are a redeemed child of the Almighty, fitted with the robe of righteousness.
Now that is profound. Overwhelming. Humbling.
I guess for a while I had been carrying around loads of guilt for all the wrong things I had done in the past and somehow it was a barrier between me and my Father. I couldn’t fully trust Him because I thought he had not fully forgiven me. I thought he still saw my sin, how I could never make up for it. I felt He still judged me somehow.
But after thinking about these words, I feel most privileged. To be called righteous even when you have a mile-long list of shame to your name is overwhelming to me. To be called redeemed even when He knows my imperfections bowls me over.
And now I trust Him. Fully, I guess , as fully as humanly possible. For now it feels like total trust.
I can go to Him knowing even if I have sinned He still loves me. That nothing I can do can make Him stop loving me.
I guess it’s something others take for granted but I didn’t have that and now I do. It’s amazing and humbling and overwhelming. This journey with my Father is becoming quite an adventure.
Can’t wait to see what comes next!
Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You’re capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I’ve begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I’m finally letting go
I let go
And I’m here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I’m okay
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms…. I’m home