Ever had a recurring dream? You know, the kind where it’s some meaningless occurence that keeps repeating itself in your dream world like a tired re-run. Like the dream where you’re falling through nothingness (I hate that one, though in all honesty, I don’t dream that much).
Lately, or rather recently, my life felt like a recurring, irritating, when-am-I-gonna-wake-up kind of dream. I was hurt, again, like deja vu – and I had let it happen, again.
Perhaps it would be best to say at this point that I have very high and sometimes unrealistic expectations of myself. I expect to always see things coming, to always have a back-up plan for every mishap, always be ready for anything. And I usually do.
The problem is sometimes I don’t seem to realize that I’m human. That despite all my well thought out plans and all my carefully laid out schemes that sometimes they may not work out. Or that my human nature will interfere and mess it all up. Then I get angry – at the world, at myself, at everything.
So that’s what happened this weekend. I thought I had it figured out with this guy. I thought I had all my bases covered. I’d been there before so I knew all the loopholes and had plugged them all in, so I thought.
Then he did something that I didn’t see coming. But I should have, I kept telling myself. I mean, I have been there before. But I didn’t.
And now I’m angry at him, at me, at everything else. I’m angry because knowing something doesn’t mean you can always avoid it. I’m angry because I am a perfectionist yet I can never be perfect. I’m angry because it seems there is no point in it all.
So what to do, what to do?
Do I wallow in what I should have seen, known or anticipated? Do I forgive and forget? Do I run the other way and never look back? Or do I learn something, again?
I don’t know. All I know is I need something new. Something to give.
Something has got to give. And this mess of feelings has to end, disappear, for good.
One way or another.